First things first, do me a favor and raise your hand if you’re thrilled to be getting marketing emails in the middle of a global freaking pandemic.
Nobody? Really? Not a single hand up?
Just kidding! Of course you hate those emails. I know I do. They’ve already become something of a running joke across the internet. Every time a marketing email comes through my inbox, it’s a great reminder to unsubscribe from yet another mailing list I didn’t even know I was on…so congratulations brands, you played yourself.
For any of you oblivious brands who still aren’t sure why now isn’t a great time to have your hand in my goddamn pockets, here are a few reasons why I don’t wanna hear from you unless you have my motherfucking stimulus money.
Your efforts are completely tone-deaf
No, you’re not just tone-def, you’re Madonna in a fancy bathtub full of rose petals saying the coronavirus is “the great equalizer” tone-deaf.
I mean, are you even paying attention to the current climate you’re operating in? Your mantra should be the same as ours. Let me help you with that since you have no idea what it is:
We’re all in this together.
Adidas tried to pull a fast one and tell their employees they had to keep working or the company couldn’t pay bills and salaries. Guess what happened? They had to switch stances less than 24 hours after that. We. Are. Not. Playing!
Look at Apple. They donated 20 million masks to medical workers and they’re making 1 million face shields per week, right now! That’s an amazing effort, and we’d love to see more of that, but we don’t need Sephora ads shilling lip gloss and eyeshadow as the entire world collapses before our bleeding eyes.
Oh yeah, and while we’re at it, fuck my HOA for putting out a newsletter saying spring inspections are still happening this month. They’re gonna give us a list of what they want to be fixed on our houses to “keep up curb appeal.” You can’t make this shit up.
To top it off, the letter said “The Board also appreciates everyone’s cooperation during the COVID-19 epidemic.” Bitch, first of all, it’s a pandemic. Second, read the room, Karen!
We don’t have any money to give you
Look, fashion brands, quarantine is not a great time for us. We’re not excited to buy “hot new looks,” “get dolled up,” and “strut” down an imaginary runway just to trip over our kids’ toys. One of the main reasons is we can’t afford it.
If you haven’t read the news lately, that damn coronavirus terk ar jurbs!
The unemployment rate is about to go ba-nay-nays. Especially when they fix the unemployment system so gig workers and freelancers can put in claims.
Sure, some of us are supposed to get a little taste of that sweet sweet Trump money, but it’s not here yet and everyone in the world is lined up for a piece of it. So, if you don’t have our money, why are you even starting a conversation with us?
The point is, your customers are fighting a war on two fronts: COVID-19 and a broken economy. Saying we’re overwhelmed is an understatement.
Thankfully for you, there’s an easy way out. Just hunker down, relax, and maybe binge Netflix until we let you know we’re ready.
Bitch better have my money
Look, I know it’s hard for you as a brand right now. Things have changed so fast, and it might not be clear what your best move is. However, your best move isn’t to push forward with the same old messaging like nothing has changed. The world is freaking upside down right now. Pretending it’s not is how you come across as tone-deaf and risk damaging your brand.
Zsolt Katona, associate professor at UC Berkeley’s Haas School of Business, was quoted in Time saying “You want to sell me stuff, especially now that I don’t even have the money to pay my rent. Those brand images and memories can be long term.”
Listen to Katona, we aren’t buying what you’re selling. We can’t. Not even if we were in the mood. We’re broke and facing a future full of uncertainty.
So please, please, find the heart-shaped hole in your chest and look for an ounce of compassion, so you can spare us from your constant assault of poorly planned marketing emails. That is, unless you’re somehow helping us, or you’ve included some magic way for us to claim our shitty president consolation prize.
That’s right, you heard me. If you’re a brand, and you come knocking on my inbox again…bitch you better have my money.