How I, A Medium Writer With Tens of Thousands of Followers Who Makes Double The Median Income of the Average American, Am ‘Dealing’ With Medium’s New Earnings Model
A ‘totally’ relatable and helpful article for the other 99.9% of writers on the platform who haven’t seen anywhere near as much success.
Oh my god, you’re not gonna believe how hard Medium’s new earnings model hit me. My earnings have skyrocketed over 30% with no signs of slowing down! I almost had a heart attack when I checked my stats. I mean, if my earnings keep increasing at this rate, I’ll never even be able to spend it all!
At first, I was thinking I might have to quit writing before I drown in all this success, but then I came up with three simple ways to deal with this totally unexpected, but definitely well deserved, boon.
And since I know you’re all out there struggling with the exact same problems, I’m sharing these hot tips with you! Aren’t I generous?
First, stop checking your stats
I get it, y’all. It’s addicting to hit refresh over and over again to see how fast your numbers have changed in the last 5 minutes, but you’re really just driving yourself crazy.
Take it from me, every time I check my MPP page and see how many more tens of thousands of dollars I’ve earned this month my chest tightens up and I get a shortness of breath. You’ve gotta practice more self care than that!
It’s so wonderful that Medium’s like this magical money tree that constantly gives us more and more money, I mean it’s so much more money than we could ever imagine, but we have to take our excitement easy, and be so so careful not to overdo it.
Because, you know, we can’t spend all of our precious money if we die.
People aren’t clapping as much
For some reason, these ungrateful turds of readers aren’t bothering to clap anymore. I mean, it doesn’t really matter as much as it used to, I still get their money, but it hurts my feelings!
Do they even understand?
I don’t just want tens of thousands of dollars, I want all of the vanity metrics I can get, that way I have even more things to show off and gloat about. Give me tens of thousands of claps, too, you ingrates. Is it really that hard to clap? You just hold down the button for a few seconds. Meanwhile I spend actual hours pressing all kinds of keys to craft these immaculate stories for you dummies.
It’s so not fair.
But yeah, you might as well not pay any attention to the readers at all. Don’t bother looking for their claps or their idiotic comments. They’re all just greedy trolls!
No matter what, keep showing up
You gotta keep writing stories and publishing consistently.
After all, you’re here to write, right? Don’t let Medium’s absolute obsession with lavishing you with riches distract you from your dreams. Write. Your. Stories. Don’t let them stop you from doing that.
I mean, if all of your success really has you struggling, you don’t even have to write good stories, you can just dick around and write whatever you want. You know, experiment a little.
You have nothing to worry about. There’s absolutely no way for you to not make money on this platform. Whatever actual stories you write don’t even matter to be honest, they’re just the vehicle you use to receive all of the glorious free money Medium is raining on you.
That’s why it’s so important to keep showing up. You can never be too rich to keep writing.
Now you know how to deal
Thanks for reading, my loyal subjects! I hope you’ve found these tips to be of great service in dealing with the sudden boost in revenue you’ve received from the new partner program changes.
It’s never been this easy to make ungodly sums of money with piddly words!