How To Give Yourself a Raise When Your Company Won’t
“Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, that’s why I poop on company time!”
If you’ve ever been part of the support or production side of a company, this is for you. While sales, management, and c levels are getting all the spiffs, bonuses, praise, and raises, you’re only getting a weak “we couldn’t have done it without you,” and it’s probably being tucked into the end of a company-wide email retrospective once a year.
Well, fuck all that.
The spirit of this worldview
All companies will pay you as little as they can under the law regardless of what morals or ethics dictate.
The reason companies actively suppress wages is to increase profits. After all, you can never have enough profit. The propaganda being used on us to make all of this work is so effective, most of us believe we’re actually being paid fair wages.
“Oh, it’s a competitive wage. It’s what the market will bear!”
The only reason it’s competitive, Morty, is because every single company is underpaying their employees. Competitive wages do not impress me, and they definitely shouldn’t impress you.
When you’re part of a company’s support function, which costs the company money to run, their main goal is always about “making things more efficient,” which is code for reducing costs any way possible.
For example, one of my previous jobs wouldn’t hire enough employees to cover lunch breaks, so we always had to work through our lunch and couldn’t leave the building. Totally unacceptable.
So yeah, you’re probably not going to make much more money than you were hired for, basically ever, without being promoted up or out.
Therefore, your only option, if you want to give yourself a raise, since, you know, no one else ever will, hinges on your ability to do as little work as possible while still performing your primary job function.
From here on out, your goal is to get paid for eight hours of work every day, while only actually working a small fraction of that. This way, you’re technically getting paid more per hour for the work you do, meaning you’ve effectively given yourself a raise!
Throughout the rest of this article I have documented my tried and true methods for milking the clock and maximizing employee time theft, more appropriately known as giving yourself a raise!
Take it easy
Stretch out your work to fit the time, it’s a classic for a reason.
Most companies won’t reward your productivity or efficiency in any positive way, they’re more likely to prefer that you look like you’re always working, no matter how inefficient and terrible you really are at your job.
“Your boss will perceive perpetual motion as work.” — u/RuroniHS, Reddit
One of my previous bosses once told me “you need to be working 100% of the time,” to which I pointed out that not only is that impossible, but it’s a standard they didn’t even live up to.
Yeah, that didn’t really go over so well, but I’ve never been one to pull punches.
So go ahead and do a little work, mess around, do some more work but slower this time, finish a job but pretend you’re still tweaking it, you know, whatever it takes to steal those extra minutes back that you need for your raise.
You can spend your down time reading Nate Miller on Medium, updating your fantasy football team, or shopping on Amazon. Go nuts!
Pro tip: make sure you have something that looks like work open at all times, preferably something unintelligible to your boss, and have it ready to hotkey over to.
Your boss will be absolutely exuberant that you always seem to be on task, and you’ll be over the moon about finishing your erotic fan fiction on the company’s dime.
Take your breaks
Take every single one of them, you deserve it. And yes, I know you don’t smoke, but your company doesn’t know that. Think of it as acting practice.
Anyway, you’re ideally going to get your work done quickly, but you can’t always dick around on the internet at your desk, because that might get too obvious. So breaks are an alternative way to slack off.
The typical breaks are:
- Coffee break
- Bathroom break
- Lunch break
- Smoke break
- Stretch break
- Afternoon delight
Feel free to add literally any other kind of break your heart desires that you think you could reasonably get away with. The sky’s the limit.
Oh, and make sure you either double down, or triple down, on the bathroom breaks, especially if you have access to a one person bathroom.
Solitude is priceless.
My final tip on breaks is to extend them as much as possible, especially if there’s a lack of oversight. What they don’t know won’t get you fired, but it will increase your raise.
Take a meeting
Ahh, meetings, the greatest waste of time known to man.
The best part about meetings is you can sit there and doodle or write to your hearts content! So you could potentially be working on a project that isn’t related to work at all. That’s your goal. Use that precious company time to do something for yourself.
Obviously you should get into as many meetings as you can, and you get bonus points if you can ask inane questions or find a way to filibuster.
See if you can sit in on any meeting that has even the slightest chance of being relevant to your department.
Attend every single HR related meeting any time they’re offered. It doesn’t matter if you already know how the 401k works, because you’re not actually there for the info, you’re there to slack like a king!
To mix it up and have some fun, schedule a walking meeting with a co-conspirator just to shoot the shit.
One of my personal favorites is to turn things that could have easily been emails or phone calls into impromptu face to face meetings.
Get creative, push the envelope, and maximize your raise.
Only milkers get PM coffee
Look, some people will read this totally legit manifesto and get all bent out of shape about work ethic and blah blah blah. To that I say, we’ll start to care about ethics as soon as the company does!
Because sometimes you can only fight fire with fire.
So, are you ready to join the revolution and give yourself a raise?
If your answer is yes, and how could it possibly not be, you should bookmark this manifesto for reference, adjust to your new worldview, and remember these three letters: ABM.
Always Be Milking.